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Inept and Indebted

I've finished with Hosea and am now starting the book of Isaiah. This is my favorite book of the Old Testament, but I haven't read it in a while so I'm looking forward to reading it again with fresh eyes.

And yet, just because I've moved to a new book of the Bible does not mean that God is ready to move away from the message he has been speaking to me in the last few weeks. In fact, he seems to be pounding it into my heart - over and over, deeper and deeper until it just might make a lasting imprint.

And his message is this: that I am unfaithful, but he is faithful. It's not a quality he possesses. It's who he is.

I can't get away from it! So forgive me if this post seems repetitive in any way, but this is what God is speaking to me. And I must share.

Isaiah 1:13 begins with God saying, "Stop bringing meaningless offerings!" I was struck again with how often I do this. I often allow my faith to become more about the traditions I'm used to fulfilling than the God whom I'm following. And although my motives are usually good, my motions become mechanical.

"I hate settling," I wrote in my journal. "And yet I do it, again and again. Agh! Why?!"

Writing this reminded me of something Paul wrote in Romans, so I quickly flipped over to read again what he said.

"I do not understand what I do.

For what I want to do I do not do,

but what I hate I do...

"I know that nothing good lives in me,

that is, in my sinful nature.

For I have the desire to do what is good,

but I cannot carry it out.

For what I do is not the good I want to do;

no, the evil I do not want to do -

this I keep on doing...

"So I find this law at work:

when I want to do good,

evil is right there with me.

For in my inner being I delight in God's law;

but I see another law at work

in the members of my body,

waging war against the law of my mind

and making me a prisoner of the law of sin

at work within my members.

"What a wretched man I am!

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God -

through Christ Jesus our Lord!"

~Romans 7:15, 18-19, 21-25

More than any time before, I sympathized with Paul today. But like him, I began reading this passage with the attitude of "I do not understand what I do!" and ended with "Thanks be to God!"

You see, God reminded me again of his faithfulness. I am wretched. And yet, I am blessed because I have been rescued by the Faithful One. I can and will strive for him until my dying day, but it is Jesus and him alone that cleanses and redeems me.

"I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities," he says in Isaiah 1:25.

I am unfaithful. I'm dirty. I'm undeserving. But he has rescued me from this body of death!

As I responded to him once again in the middle of the Starbucks I was sitting in, I sensed him speaking to me.

"Stay in this place of humility and hunger. I need your heart to be soft in order to better mold it. But remember that I took the burden of guilt from you on the cross with me."

So I am humbled again by my complete ineptness. Being indebted to someone else is uncomfortable for me. It's hard to believe that no matter what I do or who I become, I will always be equally as undeserving of him as I am now. And that in return, he will never fail me, he will never require grace from me.

I'm realizing that I have a lot to learn about submitting to him. Not just the "Your will be done," kind of submission, but the "I am completely and utterly incapable of offering you anything, so I can only say thank you," kind.

Join me in standing in awe before the God of the ages who came down and chose us - sick, dirty, ugly us - because he loved us, knowing we had nothing to give him in return.

"Praise the Lord, all you nations;

extol him, all you peoples.

For great is his love toward us,

and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

Praise the Lord."

~ Psalm 117

Faithful to the Unfaithful

I've been reading the book of Hosea lately, and despite the fact that I've known and loved this story for years now, it has been an incredible read. Not only has it been humbling, but it has also encouraged me. For those who don't know the story or simply need a refresher, here is how the book begins.

"When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, 'Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the Lord.' So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son." ~ Hosea 1:2-3

First of all, can you imagine God asking this of you? I just sat there in awe when I read it. I don't know if I would've obeyed this command. I think I would've dismissed it as a ridiculous figment of my imagination as soon as it popped into my head. And in his time and culture, how much crazier must Hosea have felt?

But in every crazy call Gods makes on our lives, there is a purpose. In this instance, God was asking Hosea to love and marry an adulteress to illustrate his relationship with his bride, Israel. The nation of Israel had shown itself to be rebellious and unfaithful since the start of its relationship with God, much like Gomer was in her relationship with Hosea.

In Hosea 4:7 it says that the priests of Israel "exchanged their Glory for something disgraceful." When I read this verse, I was saddened. In these words there is communicated so much loss, and so much deceit. It's sandwiched between a whole list of charges against God's people, yet it seemed to show the true heart of God in all of their disobedience. God's heart breaks at our flippant exchange of glory for disgrace in our lives. It reminded me of Romans 1:25, which says,

"They exchanged the truth of God

for a lie, and worshiped and served

created things rather than the Creator..."

What kinds of lies are we believing that allow us to believe that the disgrace that the Enemy offers us is worth trading God's glory for?

Reading further into Hosea, I realized the problem goes even deeper. In Hosea 4:12, as well as elsewhere in the book, there is a term brought up which stood out to me. There is a "spirit of prostitution" that led Israel astray, and I don't think I'm stretching the truth to say it probably afflicts us today as well.

It's easy for me to look at American culture and say that everyone else is being sold a lie. That all those people "out there" are living under a spirit of prostitution. And yet I have to remember that Hosea and Gomer's story is my story, too. I am unfaithful to the one who chose me as his bride and turned my ashes into beauty.

Reading of Gomer's unfaithfulness to Hosea, and Hosea's unending love for her breaks my heart. Not because it's a great love story. Because it is a living depiction of the great Love story. My God seeks me out, day after day, minute after minute. He never tires of me, even when I choose time and time again to do things my way. So often I let distraction get in the way of my relationship with him. Over and over my attention is grabbed by voices other than this.

And yet his love "is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot wash it away (Song of Songs 8:6-7)."

If I were to name one attribute of God that never ceases to overwhelm me - more than any other - I would without hesitation choose his faithfulness. I'm continually blown away by the realization that he is FAITHFUL. Always. To the end. Without wavering or wandering.

Even though I behave like a prostitute towards him - the thought both disgusts and grieves me to acknowledge - he loves me with a love so fierce, he refuses to let go. Ever. What a revelation. It can't get old for me!

Imagine for a moment the way it would feel to love so wholly - with a love we can't comprehend - and to be pushed aside time and time and time again. Think of those whom you love the most in life, and picture them treating you in this way. When I did this, I instinctively blocked the thought from my consciousness... it hurt too much. The heartbreak I would experience can't be described... devastation isn't a strong enough word.

But God knows that pain. Because of me.

I hope you're getting a picture of the love story we're all a part of. I hope it's breaking your heart like it's breaking mine. I am so undeserving. I fall so short. And yet, even if I wanted to, there is nothing... NOTHING I could do to lose this love.

The promise of his unchanging love and faithfulness is working in me powerfully, and I hope by reading this that it will begin working in you as well. There is a certain security I am recognizing that I possess, and that knowledge is causing my heart to overflow with love and gratitude for the God who will always remain the same.

I pray that you will find joy and peace in this truth. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is faithful even when you are unfaithful.

"How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure!"

~How Deep The Father's Love For Us, Stuart Townend

Hearts Set on Pilgrimage

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,

who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength,

till each appears before God in Zion."

~Psalm 84:5-7

I read this in my GodTime this morning and felt like sharing it. A few things stood out to me.

First, that we are blessed when our strength is not in ourselves, but in God. This is much of what Lucky, Glenn Packiam's book that I'm reading, is about. He says that is when we are able to acknowledge our lack of strength that we are set up to accept God's rule in our lives. We are not lucky because we are weak, we are lucky because our strength is in Him.

Second, I loved the imagery of having to set our hearts on pilgrimage. Our life is a journey, and for everyone there is a temptation to "camp out." This can happen anywhere - on the mountain peaks or in the valleys. Who wants to leave the beauty of the mountain peak, even if we're promised an even better view further on? And when we're in the valley, it's easy to lose hope. To settle in because we don't know how to get out on our own. Whether it is physical or spiritual, we often choose to stay in one spot, even when God wants to take us to something new.

Third, the "Valley of Baca" intrigued me. I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up. There are several interpretations, but the main three that I found were "Valley of Tears," "Valley of Loneliness," and "The Desert Valley." At different times in our lives we all go through seasons of tears, loneliness, or spiritual dryness. It can be so hard to believe that anything good could come out of those valleys, but God has the power to make them into places of springs and pools of rain. To bring life where there is none.

And fourth, the reminder to go from "strength to strength." I know from experience that while we're in the valleys, Satan tries to convince us that we'll never get out. He tells us lies like, "You're alone in this valley," "Your best days are behind you," and "This is how you will always feel." Focusing so much on our own weakness, we forget who is with us and who is our strength. Our last moment of strength was not the most He would offer, and the valley we're in is not going to be our "forever." This is our hope, and this is what allows us to keep going when we're at our weakest.

So be encouraged today. Wherever you are, set your heart on pilgrimage. I pray that you are on a glorious mountain peak, that you're soaking up his love and basking in his refreshing grace. And yet, I challenge you not to settle. Go deeper and deeper, from strength to strength. Decide in your heart to be one who is never satisfied with the view you have now because you know there is always something more over the next crest.

But if you're experiencing a valley, remember that this is not where you'll stay. Turn to him who is your strength and confess your dependence. "Lucky are the God-dependent, for they will enjoy and participate in God's rule (Lucky)." As you choose to open yourself up to him, to rely on him in the midst of your tears, loneliness, and frustration, he will begin to bring you out. I don't know how long it will take. But I do know that he came to give us life, and life to the full.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches

he may strengthen you with power

through his Spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

And I pray that you,

being rooted and established in love,

may have power, together with all the saints,

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep

is the love of Christ,

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -

that you may be filled to the measure

of all the fullness of God."

~ Ephesians 3:16-19

God Who Makes It Grow

I'm reading a wonderful book right now called Lucky: How the Kingdom Comes To Unlikely People by a New Life pastor, Glenn Packiam. He is always so filled with wisdom, and the entire book is speaking on a theme that is really challenging me, but I have one little insight that I wanted to share with you before possibly posting a future blog post sharing what else I'm learning from this book.

This quote set me thinking.

"Every time you help the poor in Jesus' name, you are bringing the kingdom to them. You are making that place, that realm, reflect the rule of God. You are making things look the way they would if we allowed God to run the place. Because He is through you."

As I was thinking about this today, I was reminded of two events in my life that have occurred in the last two weeks, and was encouraged by what I felt God saying to me.

First, over this past weekend I was at the local grocery store picking up some food. As I was walking in, a young man was standing outside asking for donations to a ministry here in San Diego that helps homeless children. I walked past, but immediately felt a tug at my heart. I don't remember ever giving money to anyone in front of a grocery store before, but as I walked inside I knew that God was asking me to give to this ministry that was caring for his kids.

So as I was leaving, I walked over and started a conversation with the young man. He told me about the ministry, saying that they bring kids off the streets, give them food and clothing, and send them to school and church. As we talked, I found out that he himself had graduated from the program, and was now independent and going to a community college. He was shy, but the gratitude he had for what he'd been given had obviously compelled him to help.

I gave what little I had in my wallet, and walked away encouraged by what this ministry was doing. To give to it in such a small way seemed silly, but I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to hear about the work he was accomplishing in the lives of these kids.

When I think back to that evening, I find myself wishing that I could somehow follow that money. To see where it went. To see how it helped - even in the smallest way - a child understand the love of his Father.

But I can't. And as I was thinking about this quote from Lucky, I felt God speak something to me.

You don't know how I will use those few dollars, but even with the little that you gave I can do great things. You won't see it until you reach eternity, but you helped to make a child's life reflect my rule. Be content with that knowledge, and wait.

Of course it would be nice to always see the impact of my obedience now, but I'm realizing that there's a certain beauty and mystery to God and the way he includes us in the spread of his kingdom. Sometimes he asks us to act and then encourages us by allowing us to witness the direct result of our obedience. And sometimes he asks us to have faith that he's moving even when we don't see it.

The other incident I want to mention happened two weeks ago. I attend the The Rock college group's Wednesday night services, and on this particular night our post-sermon table discussion ended early. Not wanting to disturb the people at other tables by getting up and leaving, everyone remained there to talk.

I'm not sure how the conversation began, but the guy next to me ended up telling me about some of his problems with the Christian faith. For the most part, he felt that some of the Christian ideals are a little outdated and naive, that they aren't all plausible or applicable in modern day society.

The answer that I felt like God had given me was clear. Unfortunately, my delivery wasn't. There are times that I am able to clearly articulate my thoughts, and this was not one of them. About fifty percent of what came out of my mouth gave me the feeling that I was making less sense than actually communicating anything that God really wanted to say to this guy. In fact, there were moments that I could practically see a thought bubble above his head with the words She's just as naive as her faith! inside it.

Walking out to my car that night, I felt discouraged. I had chosen to speak boldly when the Holy Spirit gave me a message, and yet I felt like I had completely failed.

I really blew that one, God. I hope you can work around my screw-up, I thought.

And then I heard God say something to my heart. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you said exactly what I needed you to? I'm not interested in your eloquence, I'm interested in your obedience. I'm the one doing the work in his heart, not you. I asked you to speak and just because you didn't see him make a change in his beliefs doesn't mean I'm not using your words. All it means is you aren't God, and I am.

What a relief. It reminds me of Paul's words to the Corinthians, "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything but only God, who makes things grow." (1 Corinthians 3:6-7)

We are the ambassadors of our King; living, speaking, and praying his kingdom into existence everywhere we go. But the actual kingdom renewal does not rest on our shoulders. We're only the proclaimers. It is the Messiah who brings life.

Looking at moments like the ones I've shared in this new light makes me even more excited for heaven. I imagine God sitting me down and saying something like, "Remember when you gave a couple dollars to that homeless ministry? Look how I used it to bring comfort and peace to a little girl whose life had known nothing but turmoil. She got a taste of the kingdom because you were faithful to move when I asked you to. And see that guy you talked to at church that night? I used your words to challenge him to discover something he believed in strongly enough to speak up for, even when it made him look foolish. He eventually encountered my truth and you had a part to play in that."

Even just picturing the love in his eyes at that moment makes me ache for all the times I ignore the Holy Spirit's whisper. Who am I to judge whether or not I have a worthwhile contribution? If all he's asking of me today is to say a couple kind words to a stranger or buy a sandwich for a person on the sidewalk asking for money, how can I decide it's not worth my time?

I hope you find this as encouraging and challenging as I have. I want to be more faithful to listen and obey when the Holy Spirit nudges me, and let God do the what he will, knowing that he is the one at work, not me.

"My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working."

~John 5:17

Safe?

Lately I've been thinking about Christianity and the way that so many treat it - as a self-help technique, a set of moral guidelines to make you a better person or to bring you more stability and security in life. I believe that is why people can treat it lightly - they don't view it as entering into a story bigger than themselves.

If Christianity is only a suggested tool for making life what you want it to be, other religions or non-religions are almost always going to look equally or more effective to people who are on the outside looking in.

And in that sense, they're right. If what we're looking for is a safe life where we get to have and do anything we want, authentic Christianity is going to be a serious disappointment. If we believe what Jesus says, we will experience as many or more hardships in life as a non-believer. Yes, we will experience blessing, but that may not look the way we'd expect it to.

This is easy for me to say, but difficult to swallow because what he calls me to is not what I in my nature lean towards doing.

So if Christianity doesn't exist to make my life "better" in the sense that it's always easy or I'm always happy, then it must be about something bigger.

A couple days ago as I was driving to work, a verse I have always been confused by popped into my head.

"If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." ~ 1 Corinthians 15:19

I never know what to make of this verse. Shouldn't Paul be promoting our faith as being worthwhile? What about the fact that there is no other religion in this world I'd rather turn? This verse is so discouraging! "Pitied more than all men..." Why would anyone buy into that?

But as I was driving, this verse made sense to me for the first time. Paul was communicating the fact that the hope we have in Christ has much more to do with Jesus' kingdom agenda and much less to do with our earthly agendas. If we put our hope in Christ only for what we hope to get from him now - a successful life by the world's standards - and ignore the life of sacrifice that he asks of us, we are not only sorely misled, we are to be pitied!

The life and ideas of Jesus do not exist to make my life secure and comfortable all the time. If I am going to follow him, I have to be willing to walk through the mountains and the valleys, to experience the moments of great blessing and the moments of intense struggle.

Our choice lies simply in whether we'll follow him wholeheartedly or not. If the answer is yes, we hand over all our "rights," and offer him everything - even our lives.

"If anyone would come after me,

he must deny himself

and take up his cross daily

and follow me." ~ Luke 9:23

Choosing to authentically follow Jesus may not be easy, but those who do never regret it. It reminds me of one of my favorite moments in C.S. Lewis' Narnia series.

“'Is – is he a man?' asked Lucy. 'Aslan a man!' said Mr. Beaver sternly. 'Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don’t you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion.' 'Ooh!' said Susan, 'I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.' 'That you will, dearie, and no mistake,' said Mrs. Beaver; 'if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.' 'Then he isn't safe?' said Lucy. 'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver; 'don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He's the King I tell you.'" ~ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I am thankful today to be serving a King who isn't always safe but who is always good.

Words of Eternal Life

"'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." ~ John 6:68-69

This verse has been on my heart lately.

People may challenge my God and my faith, attempting to give me reasons to leave Him, but to whom would I go? I believe and know that Jesus is the Holy One of God. Nothing and no one else I could turn to can bring me life.

I'm not going anywhere.

Plugging In, Part Two

As I have already shared, God is opening my eyes to what worship looks like throughout my week. It has excited and challenged me, and I am still learning, but I love what he is already doing.

A couple weeks ago, as I wrestled with worship and it's meaning in my life, I decided to ask God an honest question.

Why do we worship? If worship is meant to be about the posture of my heart on an everyday basis, then what's the purpose of Sunday morning worship?

It wasn't long before I felt like he spoke something to me.

"If you're not worshiping me on a Sunday morning, it's fairly safe to say you're not worshiping me throughout your week."

Yikes.

Outward worship, the kind we demonstrate at church, isn't just some old tradition that we like to keep around. It's not based on whether or not we feel like participating because the worship leader is or isn't really "bringing it" that day. It's a visible reflection of the posture of our inward hearts!

God was saying to me that if my desire is truly to bring him glory all the time, that needs be manifested in the way I worship him on Sunday mornings. Simple as that.

So why don't I always feel like worshiping? According to A.W. Tozer in his book Knowledge of the Holy, "The Church has surrendered her once lofty concept of God and has substituted for it one so low, so ignoble, as to be utterly unworthy of thinking, worshiping men." And he believes this happens because "It is impossible to keep our moral practices sound and our inward attitudes right while our idea of God is erroneous or inadequate."

If we think we have God figured out we're not going to worship him. We can't put ourselves in a place where we can look down on God and monitor his worthiness on a given day and still be worshiping the infinite and holy God of the Bible! Instead, what we're worshiping is an idol created in our own image. And that, to me, is a terrifying thought, because that's exactly the position that Satan wants me in.

It is widely believed that Satan, before he was the fallen angel, was heaven's "worship leader." Within Ezekiel 28 is found A Prophecy Against the King of Tyre, a figure many scholars see as portraying Lucifer. Here is what some of it says.

"You were the model of perfection,

full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.

You were in Eden, the garden of God;

every precious stone was your covering...

The workmanship of your timbrels and pipes

was prepared for you on the day you were created."

I once heard an interesting sermon on this subject. The pastor said that while Lucifer's voice and instruments were prepared for him by God, in the end his perfection was marred when in his pride he began using these gifts to take the worship away from God.

And Satan is guilty of the same fault today - shifting our focus away from God and convincing us to worship anything but Him. Satan loves it when we create in our minds a god who may even be like God, but is a god of our own making nonetheless.

Yet in the same way, he knows that there is something powerful about using our voices, bodies, and instruments to bring glory to the King of Kings. It says something about the determination of our hearts. We may mess it up, but as we come to him as "true worshipers," worshiping him "in spirit and in truth," (John 4:23-34) God works in our hearts to align and transform and purify us.

It's our choice. Walk away unmoved by a worship service or choose to see Him as worthy of our everything, regardless of the way we feel.

So my challenge to you is the same challenge I have given myself. On Sunday mornings, and any other time you come across a chance to worship God outwardly, come to him in awe of who he is. Engage with him because it's your privilege as his child, not your duty as a participant. He loves it when we choose to plug in.

"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

Praise the Lord with the harp;

make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.

Sing to him a new song;

play skillfully, and shout for joy."

~Psalm 33:1-3

Souls Filled With Love

I am currently reading Red Moon Rising, a book about the 24-7 prayer movement. It's been an incredible read, and yesterday a quote popped out as being especially relevant to what I have had laid on my heart lately (and just posted about a couple days ago.) I decided to share it with you, since I won't get the chance to share the rest of my thoughts on worship until this weekend.

The quote is from John Wesley in his book A Plain Account of Christian Perfection. Emphasis is added.

"Whether we think of, or speak to, God, whether we act or suffer for Him, all is prayer, when we have no other object than His love, and the desire of pleasing Him. All that a Christian does, even in eating and sleeping, is prayer, when it is done in simplicity, according to the order of God... In souls filled with love, the desire to please God is a continual prayer."

Just as I felt God was teaching me to worship continuously by aligning my desires with his and inviting him into the smallest moments of my life, it appears that He is also teaching me to pray continuously!

The challenge to "pray continually" in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 has always been daunting for me. What kind of super-Christian do you have to become to actually have the ability to do that? However I am learning that while we often find our prayers communicated through our direct words or thoughts to God, they can also be found in our conscious and constant desire to please him.

I think I'd better close out with that. My brain still has a lot to think about.

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you."

~John 15:4a

Plugging In

As is obvious when observing my lack of blog postings over the last several months, I've been struggling with what to write for quite some time. I don't want to say something just for the sake of saying something, so I wait until I feel that I have something of worth to say. Which again, hasn't been as often as I would like.

However over the past three weeks or so God has been laying something on my heart that I finally feel ready to share with you.

It actually began months ago when I was at The Rock during the worship part of our service, and I noticed something. While everyone on stage was full of life and energy, the majority of the people I could see were sitting back in their seats, some watching with a glazed over look in their eyes, others twiddling around on their phones, completely ignoring what was going on around them. Even as I observed it, I sensed it in myself. I was standing, singing and clapping, but there was a half-heartedness to it that I detested the moment I recognized it.

This is not a show, I thought to myself. I knew it was only an echo of what God was saying to all of us.

In Amos 5 God says,

"I hate, I despise your religious feasts;

I cannot stand your assemblies.

Even though you bring me burnt offerings

and grain offerings,

I will not accept them.

Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,

I will have no regard for them.

Away with the noise of your songs!

I will not listen to the music of your harps.

But let justice roll on like a river,

righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

I found this verse after listening to a song by Jon Foreman, lead singer of the band Switchfoot, called Instead of a Show. In it he says, "Away with your noisy worship, away with your noisy hymns. I stop up my ears when I'm hearing them. I hate all your show." It's alarming, in a way, to realize that not only does God recognize when we aren't worshiping Him, but that he is disgusted by it!

Fortunately, at some point in what was really only the noise of the service, someone addressed the crowd's detachment, and challenged everyone to deeper engagement. I hadn't been the only one who'd noticed, and I was thankful for the challenge. But something about that morning has stuck with me over the months.

However it wasn't until a few weeks ago while I was visiting Colorado that I really began hearing God speaking to me regarding worship.

It was Easter morning and I was back at my home church, New Life. Worship began, and almost immediately I started to tear up. It had nothing to do with the song, it wasn't the familiarity of the worship leader's voice, it wasn't the sound of the instruments...

It was the spirit of worship in the room.

Being back in the midst of it nearly broke me down completely. I have been privileged enough to grow up in a church that practices extravagant worship. It's what has caused us to stand up under the weight of a scandal and a shooting, and it is what defines our community more than any other aspect of our church - more than the great sermons, more than the heart for missions, more than the fantastic youth groups, and certainly more than being "that big church in Colorado Springs."

Lifting the name of Jesus high, week-in and week-out. That is what we strive to be about.

I was choked up the entire worship service. I get choked up thinking about it now. There is something so beautiful about "ekklesia," the Greek word for church meaning "the gathering of called-out ones," coming together to worship the one, true God.

My soul craved it, and as worship ended I knew that at my core, I still needed filling. I ended up staying for the next service's worship, marveling at what God was doing in my midst. I walked out of church that day refreshed and grateful for the chance to realign myself with the majesty of who God is.

Since then, God has been speaking these truths and hasn't let me rest from them:

First, that the way I worship reveals the posture of my heart toward Him. It speaks to who I really see Him as, and whether or not I think He's really worth worshiping all the time.

Second, that if I'm not worshiping Him on a Sunday morning it's fairly safe to say that I'm not worshiping him throughout my week.

And third, that I cannot worship anything or anyone else if I am truly worshiping God. Therefore I must consciously choose who I will devote myself to wholeheartedly.

If worship were only for Sundays, things would be easy to fix. Just bumping up the energy of our shows would probably do the trick. We might experience temporary satisfaction, and God would be left with nothing to do but sit back and clap for an encore. You liked that, God? Well just wait 'til you see what we have for you NEXT week!

But God says that worship is about the state of our hearts. That's something we can't fake. He looks inside of us and knows the sincerity of our hearts better than we ourselves do. And what's more, he's not just looking at us on Sundays. Sunday worship services are not a scheduled "heart check-up" he makes, and they're not meant to be our weekly "dose" of good medicine.

Worship is meant to be something we live out all week.

Oh, I know that, I remember thinking. I love worship music. That's all I've been listening to lately!

But God was saying something more.

The state of your heart colors every conversation you have, every act of service you perform, every thought that crosses your mind. My desire is for your heart to be like mine. In the moments that this becomes your desire as well, THOSE are the moments you are truly living worship.

Notice he doesn't expect perfection. It really is about the state of our hearts. Are our desires lined up with his? We may mess up, but he covers us with his grace, only asking that we realign ourselves with him again.

To be honest, I get overwhelmed with the task of worshiping God all the time. I know I can't do it perfectly, and thats frustrating. But he looks at my heart and in the moments that he observes a true and pure desire to glorify him in everything I do, he smiles. That's what he's looking for.

What I am looking for is an increase in the frequency of those moments!

In my prayer journal I have a statement written down which I felt God speaking to me a couple weeks ago that reminds me of that. It says, "You've been unplugged. The source has never changed or moved, you simply weren't connected. Plug in."

God knows how easily we get unplugged, but he wants connection. He wants to be a part of our daily lives. We hear that all the time, but how often do we actually invite him in? I once heard someone say, "God is a gentleman. He's not going to barge in, he wants to be invited." It sounds so simple, but as I've begun practicing this discipline in earnest, I've found that I need to do it several times a day. Not for "good measure," but because I truly need to remind myself to plug in that often.

Worship isn't always about singing. Most of the time it's about inviting God into the little moments, asking him to align our hearts with his, and giving him the chance to move and act in the midst of our words, actions, and thoughts.

I hope you'll join me in learning how to do that. It takes conscious effort, but I believe that where we set our gaze, we will go.

There is more to be said, but I think I will end today with that. I'll be posting again soon.

"I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always

be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together."

~Psalm 34:1-3

His By Right

Good Friday to you. :)

It's been a while since I wrote, but tonight I have something on my heart that I feel I must share.

I recently started a junior high "home group" with a couple other youth leaders at my church. We started last week, and will meet once a week with middle school girls to read the Bible, pray, serve, and have fun together. I'm excited to be a part of it, and am already seeing God at work in all of our lives!

This week as we were preparing for home group, we knew we wanted to talk about Easter, but also knew that we wanted to come at it with a fresh perspective for the girls. I think sometimes we hear a certain message so many times that we forget its value, even if, like Easter, the purpose of the message is to be reminded of its worth.

To put it simply, we become too familiar and comfortable with the grandeur of Jesus' death and resurrection.

So I began to pray and read through my Bible, looking for ways to open my heart and the hearts of the home group girls in preparation for this Easter weekend. Before long I came across one of my favorite passages in Scripture, John 17.

In this chapter, if you don't already know, Jesus prays for His followers. There are two reasons I find this passage so moving. First 0f all, we get to listen in on God praying to God for us. My mind honestly can't wrap around that idea. There's clearly something huge going on in the heart of God here. Secondly, this prayer is spoken in the garden of Gethsemane, shortly before Jesus is arrested. How much more precious can these words become?

I chose to read in the Message translation, simply because (again) I sometimes start to skim over words when I've read them too many times. Because it's so different from the NIV translation, the Message forces me to take a closer look at certain words/verses/chapters in the Bible. And as I read John 17 this way, I began to catch a deeper appreciation for what Jesus was saying as He prayed in that garden for me.

So I sat down at my computer, typed up the entire chapter, and began switching things around a little bit. Wherever Jesus said "they" (referring to us as His followers), I put in "you." Wherever He said "you" (speaking to His Father), I put in "God," or "He." Then I shortened the piece down a bit, and eventually ended up with a letter composed of the words Jesus prayed to God in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Looking at John 17 in this new and different way helped give me a new perspective on it, and I think everyone in our home group walked away with a greater appreciation for who Jesus is and what He really did for us on the cross after reading and discussing it. I wanted to share the letter with you, and hope that it prepares you in some way for this Easter weekend.

Be encouraged by this letter. He prays for us.

To you, my child, my dearest one ~

I pray for you.

I’m not praying for the God-rejecting world

But for you, whom God gave me…

For you are His by right.

Everything mine is God’s, and His mine,

And my life is on display in you.

For I’m no longer visible in the world;

Yet you continue in the world

While I am with Him.

~

Holy Father, guard them as they pursue this life

That you gave as a gift through me,

So they can be of one heart and mind

As we are one heart and mind…

~

My child, I am saying these things for you to read

So you can experience

My joy completed in you.

I gave you God’s word;

The godless world will hate you because of it,

Because you don’t join the world’s ways,

Just as I didn’t join the world’s ways.

I’m not asking that God take you out of the world

But that He guard you from the Evil One.

You are no more defined by the world

Than I am defined by the world.

~

Father, make them holy – consecrated – with the truth;

Your word is consecrating truth.

In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world,

I give them a mission in the world.

~

Child, I consecrated myself for your sake

So you’ll be truth-consecrated in your mission.

I’m praying not only for you

But also for those who will believe in me

Because of you and your witness about me.

The goal is for all of you to become one heart and mind –

Just as my Father is in me and I in Him,

So you might be of one heart and mind with us.

Then the world might believe that God, in fact, sent me.

The same glory He gave me, I give you,

So you’ll be as unified and together as we are –

I in you and God in me.

Then you’ll be mature in this oneness,

And give the godless world evidence

That God sent me and loved you

In the same way He loved me.

~

Father, I want those you gave me

To be with me, right where I am,

So they can see my glory, the splendor you gave me,

Having loved me

Long before there ever was a world.

~Jesus

Reading this, I am overwhelmed by the nearness of my God. His love is so much greater than I will ever comprehend. As I went through this incredible chapter, verses started popping into my head, and after some searching, I found the references for most of them. I put them here for you to look up should you get the chance. They add depth and richness to the letter, which is, after all, not technical Scripture. God's direct Word is always best.

So here they are:

Hebrews 4:14-16

Galatians 4:4-7

2 Corinthians 2:15-16

Psalm 68:3

Ephesians 3:16-19

Acts 1:8, 2:17

John 13:34-35

As I close, I pray that this weekend you are reminded of Jesus' intense love for you. He thought of you specifically as He prayed in that garden for you, as He received the thirty-nine lashes, and as He hung on that cross. You were worth it all.

Taste And See

"There is a difference between believing that God is holy and gracious, and having a new sense on the heart of the loveliness and beauty of that holiness and grace. The difference between believing that God is gracious and tasting that God is gracious is as different as having a rational belief that honey is sweet and having the actual sense of its sweetness."

~ Jonathan Edwards

Just like any other relationship we have, we cannot have a healthy and complete relationship with God unless we have some kind of contact with Him. I can read all I want about someone by reading their profile on Facebook, and I can believe every word they write there with all my heart, but if I don't interact with them face to face, the friendship can only be so deep. Experiencing God with our senses and in our hearts doesn't validate our faith but it adds value to it.

Although Edwards uses the specific examples of God's holiness and graciousness, these two attributes could easily be replaced with any quality we know to be true of God. Whatever facet of his character we look at, there must always be a moment at which we not only believe it, but encounter it for ourselves.

So as you go about your day, week, and life I hope that you will join me in thinking about who God is and why we know Him to be who He says He is. I hope that our eyes are opened to the miracles and blessings around us that speak to his goodness, love, and faithfulness. That we would recognize the times He shows Himself to be our Comforter, our Protector, or our Prince of Peace.

For many people, our ability to communicate these personal revelations of God's character will speak louder than any intellectual information we give about Him. That knowledge is both necessary and valuable, but when we can attest to it within the context of our own lives, a new level of its truth is communicated.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!"

~ Psalm 34:8

Meaningless?

A couple weeks ago, I started reading the book of Ecclesiastes, written by King Solomon. Some of my friends and I were having a discussion about the last chapter of this book, and it peaked my interest. Ecclesiastes has always been a confusing book for me, and I decided to take a deeper look at it.

Two weeks later, I'm two chapters in and honestly don't understand much more than when I began.

Opening up my Bible to the book of Ecclesiastes, I scanned my eyes down the bold print on the first page, perplexed by what I saw.

Everything is Meaningless

Wisdom is Meaningless

Pleasures are Meaningless

Wisdom and Folly Are Meaningless

Toil is Meaningless

I didn't know what these meant, but I began reading.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!

says the Teacher.

Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless."

~Ecclesiastes 1:2

Immediately I turned to my notebook. "Why does he say everything is meaningless?" I wrote. "Don't we have a purpose? Don't the things we do have meaning?"

Reading further down the page, I grew more and more discouraged. Geez, I thought. I don't remember Solomon being such a Johnny Raincloud! Nothing he has ever observed or done has any meaning at all?!

Considering Solomon has been remembered throughout generations for his wisdom, wealth and for the temple he built in Jerusalem, that didn't seem to give me much hope for having a meaningful life.

But before you get overwhelmed with the negativity of this post, allow me to share with you what I'm learning from this chapter/book of the Bible.

It is believed that Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes near the end of his life. Looking back on his accomplishments and mistakes, he came to the conclusion that they all were empty.

"I have seen all the things

that are done under the sun;

all of them are meaningless,

a chasing after the wind."

~ Ecclesiastes 1:14

As I thought about this statement, I began to see it's truth. We place so much value in the things that we do, yet how often do we do something worthwhile while never actually investing in it's purpose?

Most of us could quickly recognize the people in our lives that have opened our eyes to what it means to engage in the heart of a project or ministry, versus those who have gone through the motions - even if they had good intentions.

This realization challenged me to examine everything I do and the way I do it.

In my journal I wrote, "The things I do - big or small - may or may not have meaning in and of themselves, but is Ecclesiastes written to help me think about how to bring meaning to them? I get so caught up in my routines and what's normal or expected that I forget to bring meaning to what I do."

Two days later, I went to my first church service at The Rock in San Diego. Near the end of his sermon, Pastor Miles McPherson said something along the same lines.

"Don't let your routine box God out from interfering with your life."

Good intentions aren't enough. I don't want to box God out, but it's so easy to get stuck in a rut without even realizing it. I have to be proactive and intentional about the things I do, and not allow myself to compromise their worth by letting them become too familiar.

If I learn nothing more from Ecclesiastes, I hope to learn how to open up the compartmentalized boxes of my life and allow God to inject meaning into them.

The Method of Meekness

"Jesus calls us to His rest, and meekness is His method. The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort."

~A.W. Tozer

I'm reading a great book right now by Timothy Keller, called The Prodigal God. He talks about how many Christians gravitate towards the disposition of the elder brother in the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15, striving to control God by their good behavior. Our tendency is to perform, and in that we lose the joy of being a son or daughter of our merciful and loving Father.

Tozer says something similar, stating that we become so caught up in others' opinions of us that we are rendered incapable of experiencing the rest that Jesus died to give us. We keep polishing our image so as to appear perfect to God and others, and it's not until we catch a realistic glimpse of ourselves that we see that we're not worth the trouble. We're messy, and until we let others see that, no one is going to be very interested in the gracious message our Father wants to share through us.

Including ourselves.

My prayer is that you and I would operate in a method of meekness, so that we may experience the rest that we're meant to have. I hope that today we would consciously choose not keep up an immaculate "elder brother image." Instead may we realize that we are no more worthy of our Father's favor than any rebellious "younger brother" we may come across, no matter their past, present or future.

Struggling to earn the world's esteem is foolish. We already have a Father whose love erases any need to prove ourselves.

May we rest in that truth today.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

~ Luke 15:20

Some More Food For Thought

I have some more quotes saved in my phone that I'd like to put up. I'm still trying to get my thoughts together for my next blog post, so this is all I have for now.

In case you didn't read or don't remember, a couple blog posts ago I shared some of the things I've been reading lately that challenged me. This is what I've collected since then. I hope these provokes as much thought for you as they have for me.

"A thousand voices clamor for our attention, and a thousand causes vie for our support. but until we have learned to be satisfied with fellowship with God, until He is our rock and our fortress, we will be restless with our place in the world." ~ Erwin W. Lutzer.

I thought this was a profound insight into the plight of our culture. Even in the Christian culture, I think we become so invested in the various and popular "movements" circulating around that we end up ignoring the Man who laid down His life for relationship with us. And it is only when we learn how to live within that relationship that we begin to have real impact.

"The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost." ~ Luke 19:10

Something about this really stood out to me as I read it. It's another verse that I've heard a thousand times, but something about the heart of God was peeking out from behind the letters on the page, and I noticed it in a way I never had before. If this is why the Son of Man came, then shouldn't it be what I am about? And not with the reluctant attitude of a law-abider, but with the genuine passion and love of a father seeking out his child.

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destoryed, but of those who believe and are saved." ~ Hebrews 10:39

What more is there to say? This is the boldness that we're meant to operate in. What if all Christians actually did? I'm pretty sure things would look different. I know I would.

"The difference (between the rich young ruler and Zaccheus) was that one saw how much he had to lose. The other saw how much he had to gain." ~ Beth Moore

This made me wonder whose attitude I tend to adopt. When God invites me to a deeper level of relationship with him, am I more likely to see it as an interruption of my routine or as an opportunity to delve into the very purpose of my existence?

"When you wake up, WAKE UP! It's healthy!" ~ Maria, The Sound of Music

It's kind of funny that I took it from a musical, but I really do think it's a great quote. In the same way that we may be walking around in bondage despite being made free, I think we sometimes go weeks or months at a time without "waking up," despite being awake. Even though this quote wasn't written in that context, it is a good reminder for me.

"How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers." ~ A.W. Tozer

This is hugely challenging for me. I don't want to be someone who lives off of secondhand knowledge. I want to encounter for myself, in addition to benefiting from my teachers' experience.

"In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." ~ Acts 2:17

I love this. It isn't a theory, it isn't a wish, it's the author's revelation of what will happen. I think we're going to start seeing a lot more of this in the church. I'm excited to watch how God moves through His people during this season of history.

"Now we read the (Bible) as the record of what God said when He was for a brief time in a speaking mood. ...The facts are that God is not silent, has never been silent. It is the nature of God to speak." ~ A.W. Tozer

How incredible it is that we serve a God who still speaks. We're not solely dependent on the Bible, written thousands of years ago. He is always revealing Himself. I just don't always listen.

"Christ's ultimate goal in any work He assigns to us isto reveal Himself, either through us or to us." ~ Beth Moore

I read this on a day that I was feeling burnt out. I had been working a lot of hours and as much as I loved what I was doing, I was also tired of the day-in, day-out routine of it all. But when I read this, I was reminded that everything I do has purpose. God wants to reveal Himself to the people I deal with, and He can use me to do that. And He will reveal Himself to me through them if I open my eyes to it.

"The Sermon on the Mount cuts across differences of temperatment and variations in capacity. It outlines the kind of character which is possible for any man, gifted or relatively ungifted, strong or weak, clever or slow." ~ J.B. Phillips

I wonder how many people disqualify themselves from relationship with Christ because they don't think they could ever "measure up." And yet, that is the beauty of what Jesus has offered us. There is no qualifier. We can't do anything to earn or lose what we've been given. On the same note, the very nature of the gift negates any excuse we may make as to why we don't really want to operate in it.

And that's all for now. I have more quotes on my phone, but this already seems long. I'm hoping to put up another post within this next week, but I hope that at least one of these excerpts provided you with something to ponder on until then.

The Kingdom

Tonight as I was reading from Luke, a verse jumped out at me.

"The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation,

nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because

the kingdom of God is within you."

~ Luke 17:20-21

After this, Jesus goes on to tell his disciples about the end times.

What stood out to me was the fact that Jesus did not say "The kingdom of God will come when I return." Instead he says, "The kingdom of God is within you." For me, the clear use of the present-tense in His statement stood out like never before.

Here is what I have come to believe about the kingdom of God:

I believe that the kingdom is coming, but is not yet fully here.

I believe this means that, though Jesus paid everything on the cross, the full implications of that will not be realized until he returns.

So while we can and do access the kingdom now, we still experience the brokenness of humanity's curse.

I believe this explains things such as unanswered prayers when asking for healing in someone's life, pain and disappointment caused by those whom we trust, and the countless injustices plaguing our globe.

I also believe it explains the joy of witnessing a miracle in someone's life or body, unspeakable peace in a life once crushed by broken promises, and the not-of-this-world love between the Rescuer and the Rescued.

The kingdom is coming, but is not yet fully here.

And at the same time, in Luke 17, Jesus is saying that the kingdom is here. Within us. As I sat and stared at the text on the page, something about this statement still didn't make sense with what I believed about the kingdom of God.

And then I remembered a quote I recently read by author and pastor, Rob Bell. He said,

"With every action, comment, conversation, we have the choice to invite Heaven or Hell to Earth."

The kingdom is within me, but I choose whether or not to act upon it. I choose whether to invite Heaven or Hell into the time I spend with my family, the interactions with the kids I nanny, the conversations I have with my friends... everything I do.

I've been astonished lately by my constant need to be incredibly proactive. It seems that regardless of what I'm doing, the temptation is to settle. It may sound silly, but even at nineteen years of age, I've realized that if I don't have a specific plan laid out for the direction I want to go, I will be satisfied with getting by with average. And I'll come out with regrets.

I want as few regrets as possible.

Will I look back and wonder why I chose not to act upon the kingdom that was within me? Or will I open up my eyes to the opportunities to inject the life of the kingdom into the people and atmosphere around me?

It's easier to say than to do.

A.W. Tozer says that "The Presence and the manifestation of the Presence are not the same. There can be the one without the other. God is here when we are wholly unaware of it."

The same goes for His kingdom, because God's kingdom is not solely a physical place. It is also manifested by His sovereignty and rule over creation. His kingdom is here even when we are wholly unaware of it.

So if I were to state one goal for this year, I would say that it is to be made more alert to the reverberations of the kingdom in my daily, ordinary life.

The kingdom is not just something we get to look forward to. It is not saved for those whose lives meet the extraordinary standards of our imagination. It is not the final step in our walk with God, something we must always strive for and rarely achieve.

The kingdom is within us.

Now.

The kingdom is within me when I emerge from my bedroom in the morning. As I say goodbye to my family and head to work. As I play games with the kids I nanny. As I clean. As I cook. As I return home and am met at the door by enthusiastic brothers. As I have my GodTime. As I eat dinner with my family. As I walk across the church lobby on Sunday morning. As I sit through a sermon on Friday night. As I read. As I write.

I could go my whole life waiting for the right "conditions" to be a person who actively lives, breathes, and speaks the kingdom into her surroundings. Maybe when I have the right job. Maybe when I live in a foreign country. Maybe when I meet someone who is clearly desperate for kingdom intervention.

But what if those conditions are a long time in coming, or don't come at all? What if I'm never put in a situation that screams THIS IS IT? And what if maybe, just maybe, the people I interact with on a daily, weekly, or even yearly basis are just as hungry for a taste of the kingdom as anyone else?

The kingdom is within me.

The implications of this truth overwhelm me. What does it look like, to invite the kingdom into everything I do? How do I remain kingdom-minded when I have so many other things fighting for my time and attention?

I don't exactly know. Only the Holy Spirit can do that work in me.

But I can cooperate.

"A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us,

altogether within reach of our inner selves, waiting for us to recognize it.

God Himself is here awaiting our response to His presence.

This eternal world will come alive to us the moment we begin to reckon upon it's reality."

~A.W. Tozer

Some Food For Thought

Sometimes when I'm reading and don't have anything to write on, I put the thought-provoking quotes I find in my phone. I decided to share them with you, simply because I don't feel like writing an entire blog post tonight. Here they are.

"There have been some who were so occupied in spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ." ~ C.S. Lewis

Reading this challenged me. I want to be in love with the person of Christ, not the idea of Christianity.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." ~ Psalm 19:15

There are a lot of Psalms that I love, but this is definitely one of my favorites. I hope that my life is spent bringing pleasure to Him first.

"The life that asserts 'God and I are enough' is only in fact hindering Him." ~ Watchman Nee

We were created for authentic community, Christian or not. I want to be someone who not only allows God to use others to sharpen me, but who God uses to show His love to others.

"True prayer begins at the heart of God, is made known to the hearts of men, is prayed back to God again, and God answers." ~ Watchman Nee

I love this. So often I forget that prayer is supposed to be about relationship. It's a conversation, and the pressure is not for me to come up with the right thing to say, it's to listen.

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful." ~ Rob Bell

Agape is the Greek word for the way God loves us. It is also the way we are called to love others. This quote overwhelmed me, giving me a sense of awe for who God has made me as His daughter, and the responsibility I have now to live as such.

"There are two reasons for loving God: no one is more worthy of our love, and no one can return more in response to our love." ~ Bernard of Clairvaux

This reminds of me of a song by Michael Card that I heard when I was little. One of the lyrics said of God that He "could not love more, and would not love less." I am thankful both for the right to love Him as Father, and the knowledge that I am so deeply and irreversibly loved in return.

That's all I have for now. Most of the other quotes I put in my phone, I later used as Facebook statuses, so I didn't have too many in there anymore. I'm sure there will be more to come, though.