For Freedom, Part Two

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."

~Galatians 5:1

I would like to share part of my testimony.

In the fall of 2008 I started my first semester of classes at the local community college. There's really nothing special about this fact except for the fact that I had never gone to a public school before. I'd been home schooled all my life, and was eager to see how I would do in this new setting. Classes began, and within a couple weeks I was happy to discover that they were all manageable, challenging enough to keep me occupied, but not overwhelmingly so.

And then something happened. I can't remember for sure, but I think it was a quick glance over the syllabus. All I know is something latched onto my stomach in that moment.

Something called Fear.

Don't worry about it, I thought. You'll be fine. Just a couple presentations, a midterm and final, and the rest is a piece of cake. No big deal.

I really can't describe it. It sounds so silly. But something about the fact that I didn't know what to expect terrified me. I started to have panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't breathe at times. The weight of it all made it hard for me to sleep. I felt robbed of all joy.

And all the time I was telling myself, This is stupid, Sophie. You need to stop. Why are you so afraid? This is irrational!

I begged God to come and take this fear from me. I would quote verses like 2 Timothy 1:7 that says,

"For God did not give us

a spirit of timidity,

but a spirit of power,

of love, and of self-discipline."

But nothing helped. No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, I couldn't even begin to get the chains to budge. I wondered if I would ever escape.

And then rescue came.

First, I heard the song Storm, by Lifehouse. I put all of the lyrics below, simply because there isn't just a portion of the song that really helped me. I needed all of it.

"How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form?

The water's getting harder to tread,

With these waves crashing over my head.

"If I could just see You,

Everything would be alright.

If I could see You,

This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,

And you will catch me if I fall.

And I will get lost into Your eyes,

And everything will be alright.

"I know You didn't bring me out here to drown,

So why am I ten feet under and upside down?

Barely surviving has become my purpose,

Cause I'm so used to living under the surface.

"If I could just see You,

everything would be alright.

If I could see You,

This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,

And you will catch me if I fall.

And I will get lost into Your eyes,

And everything will be alright."

I love that. You didn't bring me out here to drown. I found such comfort in those words. I still struggled, but with a new understanding. I was in the middle of a storm. And no storm in history, no matter its magnitude, has lasted indefinitely.

Then I read the story of Elijah. To this day, I remember the exact chapter that brought me out of the greatest storm I had ever weathered in my life - 1 Kings 19.

These next portions are taken from my journal at the time:

"1 Kings 19:2-9. Elijah Flees To Horeb. Jezebel, angry at the death of her prophets of Baal and Asherah, threatens to kill Elijah. Verse 3: 'He was afraid and ran for his life.' The man who one chapter before, called on the name of God and rained fire down on his offering, who caused the people of Israel to see He was turning their hearts back to Him, and who called heavy rain on a land that had been dry for years, is filled with fear and runs for his life! How can this happen?

"We are told in Romans 8:15 that we are no longer slaves to fear, but sons of God. But Elijah runs in fear. When he stops, he sits and prays that he might die! What happened to the mighty man of God who we just saw? A chapter ago, he was taunting the prophets and calling on the name of the Lord in power! Now, he has had enough (v. 4).

"1 Kings 19:9-13. The Lord Appears To Elijah. The Lord asks Elijah what he is doing at Horeb, the mountain of God. Elijah basically explains that he is hiding from Ahab and Jezebel because they're out to kill him. (V. 11) The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Why did God want Elijah to experience this? Notice Elijah still seems to be operating in fear.

"So God tells Him to go out to experience His presence. First comes a great wind, 'but the Lord was not in the wind.' Next came an earthquake, 'but the Lord was not in the earthquake.' After that came a fire, 'but the Lord was not in the fire.' Last came a gentle whisper. Elijah then goes outside to meet with the Lord. Earth, Wind, and Fire, but God speaks in a gentle whisper. He didn't use the loud, seemingly obvious ways to attract Elijah's attention. Instead, in the midst of his fear, God used a whisper. Living with fear or doubting God is not about whether or not He's speaking, it's about whether we're listening. We want God to show up in a loud, stunning way so that we can easily know He's here, but He wants us to need to look for Him."

That's where I got it. As I realized that I was thrashing about in the waves, desperately waiting for a giant encounter with the power of God that would miraculously pull me out of the water and onto dry ground. I wanted an "Earth, Wind, or Fire" kind of experience. Waiting for a gentle whisper was going to be much more difficult. It would require me to be still. To listen. To acknowledge my need. To surrender my fear.

It took patience, but I began to rest in the fact that He was right there whispering words of love and comfort whether or not I heard Him yet. And as I did that, I found peace.

I realized I wasn't alone in the storm.

I discovered freedom.

And since that time I have not experienced a single panic attack. I no longer live in fear. I've even had moments where I've been surprised at myself, and thought, "Wow, that would have really messed with me before!" But by the power of God working in me, I have overcome.

So here's what I'm getting at.

If you're walking in complete freedom, good for you. But if you're like me, you know that there are areas of your heart and life that you're trying to hold on to. They may be crippling you, but they seem too raw and dirty to bring out into the open and deal with.

It was for freedom that Christ has set us free.

You have been set free.

Will you live that way?

It is a choice. If it weren't it wouldn't be stated the way it is. We can be set free and yet never experience freedom. No matter how big or small it seems, Christ isn't disappointed by whatever it is that is holding us captive. He came to our messy world so He could understand. What I believe He is brokenhearted over is our choice to live in bondage when He has already redeemed us.

He set us free.

For freedom.

As for me, I don't want to settle. I've experienced enough of the life He's offered me to know that it's better than the alternative.

I hope you live in that knowledge, too.

"So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through."

~John 8:36

For Freedom, Part One

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."

~Galatians 5:1

I think one of Satan's favorite lies is to tell us that we aren't really free.

And before you file that away into a little compartment of your mind labeled "True: But Aimed For Others To Hear," please allow me to share with you why I think it's something we all need to realize for ourselves.

I read Galatians 5 a couple months ago, and despite the fact that I'd read it many times before, something about the opening verse jumped out at me.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Its one of those verses that are quoted so often, I was almost tired of it. And I certainly didn't allow it enough time to mess with me...

Until now.

Up to this moment, I'd thought of it as one of those feel-good verses that almost seem to pop straight from the pages of your upturned Bible onto a plaque over your mantelpiece. But reading it with fresh eyes I thought that maybe, just maybe, Paul was actually writing this for a reason.

Around the same time God began using this verse to challenge me, we sang a new worship song at church on Sunday morning. The song was about freedom, and the worship pastor who had written the song shared some of his heart after we sang. He said,

"People sometimes tease me and ask, 'Why do you write so many songs about freedom?!' And I always tell them, 'I'll stop writing songs about freedom when I see that God's people are free."

Something about what this worship pastor said has stuck with me for months.

It's easy for us to say we walk in freedom, but do we really? I walk in a great deal more freedom than I once did, but do I live free?

Not always.

It was for freedom that Christ has set us free.

It may just be me, but I think Paul is saying something here. And I don't think it's solely directed to those "outside the faith." It's for Christ's bride, too. For us. Why did Paul find it necessary to include this sentence?

If we were honest, we would say it's because although God's church loves to say that Christ has set us free, we often don't live that way. It's not exactly conscious - no one in their right mind would willingly choose captivity - but we often find the familiarity of our prisons safer than the uncertainty of the road we're asked to follow. Remaining in our brokenness is easier than pursuing the One who allows us to be truly free.

Immanuel, God With Us

There are so many thoughts crashing around inside my head, it's hard to quiet them all down enough to get out a coherent message for you tonight. I'm in such a season of learning, I almost feel like I'm being pulled in 20 directions - attempting to understand, capture, and practice a multitude of lessons I feel God is teaching me.

Several times in the past couple months I've found myself wondering how in the world God can expect so much of me. The minute I find myself living out the Gospel in one area of my life, I realize I'm forgetting the others.

God, there just aren't enough hours in a day to accomplish everything you've asked of me, I pray quietly.

Spend focused time in the Word. Be a person of prayer. Fast on a regular basis. Let every act be full of worship. Live in true community. Love the poor, the widowed, the orphaned. Work as if working for the Lord. Lay down your life for the people around you. Develop the fruits of the Spirit. Display hospitality. Put your trust in Him. Examine the motives of your heart. Operate in humility. Surrender ALL.

I could go on with that list. Those were just the first thoughts that come to my mind as I think over what God is stirring up in my heart. Am I doing all, or even most of these well? Absolutely not. I'm struggling to understand how to "juggle" them all. How does one person live all this out and more? Is it possible, or are we as Christians who desire to live the words of Christ simply setting ourselves up for failure?

Even as I write that question, I know the answer in my head. But do I know it in my heart? I know because I trust that Jesus hasn't set us up for failure. I know that He walks with us, carrying our burdens, and enabling us to live like Him because He is in us. I understand that this is why He came, so that we no longer live under the letter of the law, but under grace. It's less about what we are doing and more about who we are becoming.

Yet I am reminded of verses like Revelation 3:15-16, which says

"I know your deeds, that you are

neither cold nor hot.

I wish you were either

one or the other!

So, because you are lukewarm -

neither hot nor cold -

I am about to spit you

out of my mouth."

And I wonder to myself, Am I fooling myself? Will I be one of those in Matthew 25 that say to the Son of Man on Judgement Day, "Lord when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?" Will he look at me and say, "Depart from me..."?

I have yet to decide if this is a healthy concern or not. Part of me thinks I'd rather be aware of it than not, but it also seems like a terrible burden.

Which brings me to this past week and what God has been speaking to me as I listen to... Christmas jingles.

"Oh you better watch out,

you better not cry,

you better not pout,

I'm tellin' you why,

Santa Claus is comin' to town!

He sees you when you're sleepin',

he knows when you're awake.

He knows if you've been

bad or good,

so be good for goodness sake!"

I know it's a familiar tune, but one day this week I heard it and all of a sudden the Holy Spirit whispered something to me.

Jesus isn't anything like Santa.

I know... profound, right? But as I let this truth begin to penetrate my busy, overcrowded mind, I began to realize that my thoughts and actions were being dictated by a conviction that Jesus operates somewhat like that jolly old Saint Nick.

Whether or not I want to admit it, I've been trying to get my name onto Jesus' "Nice List." He can check it twice, or however many times he wishes, but I will not be satisfied as long as I'm counted amongst the "Naughty." Problem is, I can't keep it all straight. There is so much work to be done in me, it's almost frightening. But guess what?

Jesus is nothing like Santa.

He doesn't come only once a year, in fact the prophet Isaiah spoke of Him, saying,

"Watch for this:

A girl who is presently a virgin

will get pregnant.

She'll bear a son and name him

Immanuel (God-With-Us)."

(Isaiah 7:14)

And centuries later, angels announced the arrival of Immanuel, God with us. He's here. To stay. We are no longer removed from Him, hoping to catch a glimpse of Him once a year or once in a lifetime.

This has infinite significance in regards to the questions and frustrations I've been dealing with lately. But maybe it's best to leave it again for Isaiah to explain:

"A green Shoot will sprout from Jesse's stump,

from his roots a budding Branch.

The life-giving Spirit of God will hover over him,

the Spirit that gives direction and builds strength,

the Spirit that instills knowledge and Fear-of-God.

Fear-of-God will be all his joy and delight.

He won't judge by appearances,

won't decide on the basis of hearsay."

(Isaiah 11:1-3)

The passage goes on, but I hope you caught it. I specifically chose the Message translation because I think we hear this so often - especially at this time of year - that we skim over the meaning of the words.

He won't judge by appearances, won't decide on the basis of hearsay.

It's almost as if the prophet Isaiah is saying, "He doesn't simply exist to calculate your naughty-or-niceness, isn't solely fixated on whether you've been bad or good."

You see, even as I try to figure it all out, I'm slowly but surely coming to realize on a deeper level that the baby found in a manger came to extend grace. To offer freedom. From now into eternity!

What a relief it is to know that I'm not just one of Jesus' hurried stops before gliding off to the next rooftop... er, heart. He doesn't look at me as just one more person who can try harder next time, but for this year will have to be satisfied with a lump of coal.

The life-giving Spirit of God will hover over him, the Spirit that gives direction and builds strength, the Spirit that instills knowledge and Fear-of-God.

Because Jesus chose to reside in me, the "life-giving Spirit of God" hovers over me, as well.

Let me repeat.

The life-giving Spirit of God hovers over me.

And you.

What does this mean? It means that we aren't in sole charge of directing ourselves. His Spirit gives direction. What about when I'm too tired? Too weak? Too overwhelmed? Too confused? Oh, wait. It says that His spirit builds my strength.

His spirit builds my strength.

And yours.

It's not just up to me to instill within myself a knowledge and Fear-of-God.

His Spirit can do that, too.

All because of this babe in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes.

We are not alone. God is with us.

"The angel said, 'Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful

event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has

just been born in David's town, a Savior who is

Messiah and Master."

~Luke 2:9-11

My Top 15 Worship Songs

I just read a blog post by my senior pastor sharing his top 10 favorite worship songs right now. It inspired me, and I decided to do the same... only problem was, it was impossible to pick just ten. So instead, here are my top 15 favorite worship songs right now, in no particular order.

#1. True Love by Phil Wickham. I heard this for the first time in the Furnace Prayer Room at our church. I was moved to tears by it, and still am. Favorite line - "When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down."

#2. How He Loves by John Mark McMillan. Who doesn't love this song? He loves us. It's such a powerful revelation to receive... I hope I never get used to it. Favorite line - "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

#3. Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. This is another song that brings me to tears almost every time I hear it, and another revelation I hope I never grow accustomed to... He paid it all. Favorite line - "Oh praise the One who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead!"

#4. Yahweh by New Life Worship. Declaring to God who He is. We may not realize it, but I think it does something incredible in our hearts. Favorite line - "Ancient One, so amazing, unfailing You are."

#5. Dance With Me by Chris Quilala. Heard this for the first time at my youth group's fall retreat last year. It gave me a new understanding of what it means for Jesus to be the Lover of my soul. Favorite line - "To me you have run, my Beloved, You've captured my heart."

#6. I'll Always Love You by Phil Wickham. This song has become an anthem for me. Even when I don't feel Him, my heart is decided. I will always love Him. "Forever I will tell You, yeah I'll scream until it hurts, that I can't live without You, You are Heaven, I am Earth."

#7. Deeper by Delirious. This song always makes me smile. The lyrics just seem like something I would write. Favorite line - "And the wonder of it all, is I'm livin' just to fall more in love with You!"

#8. Highest Place by Desperation Band. This song always brings me peace. I love singing about how near He is. Favorite line - "In the glory of Your glory, I become like You are - it's overwhelming."

#9. From the Inside Out by Hillsong. I first heard this song around the time I was going on my missions trip to Jamaica. It has become another anthem of my heart. Favorite line - "My heart and my soul, I give You control, consume me from the inside out, Lord."

#10. You Won't Relent by Misty Edwards. This song makes me wonder how we would live if we really knew how relentlessly He pursues us. Favorite line - "For there is Love that is as strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave. And many waters cannot quench this Love."

#11. Always Forever by Phil Wickham. A song I recently discovered by my favorite artist, I can't get enough of this. I want Jesus to be the love I need, the air I breathe. Favorite line - "I would lay down my life, just to be by Your side."

#12. Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman. This song is an old favorite. More than anything else, I want Jesus to be my magnificent obsession. Favorite line - "This is everything I want, this is everything I need. I want this to be my one consuming passion."

#13. You Are For Me by Kari Jobe. This is such a soothing song. On crazy days where I have trouble finding Him, I sometimes turn this song on to remember who He is. Favorite line - "I know that You have come down, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who You are."

#14. Hosanna by Christy Nockels. While in Germany, God used this song to show me how great He is and how great His love is for His people. He is so worthy of our praise. Favorite line - "Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause."

#15. You Are My Passion by Jesus Culture. We sang this song at the Desperation conference this summer, and it's yet another song declaring my desire to make Him my one passion in life. Favorite line - "My strength in life is I am Yours, my soul delights because I am Yours."

Well, that's all fifteen. I hope that if nothing else, this has given you some new music to soak up. Enjoy.

God... In My Own Image

"The most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like." ~A.W. Tozer

If you were to ask me what the over-arching theme of this summer's walk with Jesus was for me, I would say it was the realization of who He is and why I follow Him.

At the Desperation Conference this year, I found myself struggling to "connect" during worship. While everyone else was experiencing some of the purest encounters with God they had ever had, I "just didn't feel it."

God doesn't want me faking praise, I thought. So I'll just wait to truly connect until I really feel like it. That way I'm not trying to look like I'm having this great worship moment while inside I am feeling dry and still waiting to experience God.

And I would pray. Pray for a powerful revelation from God that would spur me on to a meaningful worship time.

But worship session after worship session, no inspiration would come. I engaged, but not at the level I usually would. But trying to do anything more when I didn't feel like it seemed so artificial. How could that be pleasing to God?

Then I attended a talk by Aaron Stern, the college and 20-somethings pastor at New Life. He began by pointing out our tendency to look at God as something less than He is. We all have a way of understanding God, Stern explained, it just doesn't ever do Him justice.

He then proceeded to take an in-depth look at the beginning of Genesis 1:1, which says,

"In the beginning God created the heavens..."

He showed us photo after photo of glorious star clusters, galaxies, and nebulae. When you look at the sheer size of the work of God's hands, it really does force you to look at Him with a whole new sense of awe. Don't believe me? Check this out:

http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx1G8GWS

WOW. Every time I look at that, and believe me when I say it's been at least 15 times, I wonder who the heck I think I am. It forces me to turn to the Psalms and say with King David,

"I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at myself and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?"
~(Psalm 8:3-4, The Message)

By the end of Stern's talk, I was floored. Suddenly, I realized what was wrong. I was expecting the Almighty God, Yahweh, to conform to my momentary feelings and emotions. I was asking Him to cater to me.

In essence, I had been telling Him that He needed to earn my praise.

Even as I sat typing that last sentence, I put my head in my hands and laughed at my idiocy... "I look at my self and wonder... Why do you bother with me? Why do you take a second look my way?"

God never promised that we'll always feel like worshipping Him.

Yet in the moments where I can't feel His presence, I don't sense His goodness, I feel surrounded by my enemies, or simply can't see past my circumstances, I want to be able to say, "This may be my situation, but You are worthy."

In a worship session following Aaron Stern's talk, Phil Wickham sang his song called "I'll Always Love You." As we came to the chorus, I sang with deep conviction, knowing that regardless of what my emotions may tell me, that something had been decided in me that day.

"Forever I will tell You,

Yeah, I'll scream until it hurts,

That I can't live without You,

You are Heaven, I am Earth.

And even from the moment

That You saved my life I knew,

That I would always love You."

It's Been A While...

Wow... long time no write.

To be completely honest, I probably could've found the time between June 14th and now to write here, but I've just been so completely caught up with my summer that I didn't find the motivation to sit down and focus long enough to complete a blog post.

I have missed it, however.

There are a couple things that have been stirring in my heart recently, but all of them are too big to begin putting into words at 11:16pm.

So... consider this a teaser.

Later, alligator. :)

Unquenchable Love

Over the past several days, God has been reminding me of His love for me.

In the summer of 2006, I went on a missions trip to Jamaica with my church. Though I never would have realized or admitted to it then, I had never had an actual relationship with Jesus, only a knowledge of Him. One night during worship, God changed that forever.

As I sat with my head bowed, quietly worshipping in the warm Jamaican air, I began to see a series of Jamaican children's faces flash through my mind. Some of the faces that looked at me were sad or scared, others were hiding halfway behind something, and others simply stood and stared down at their feet or blankly at me. Then all of a sudden, the "slideshow" restarted, but this time the faces were breaking into wide smiles, and the kids began looking up and around at each other. By the end, they were all dancing and laughing with joy. My heart began to be filled with love for these kids because I knew that they had been set free.

My eyes welled up with tears as I was suddenly overwhelmed by the immense love that God was revealing to me. At that moment I was experiencing more love than I ever knew a human heart could contain. It's not something I can ever give words to, nothing I could ever have hoped to grasp without having actually known it for myself. Simply trust me when I say that it was the grandest, most overpowering, irresistible experience that I've ever had.

Wow, I thought. This must be the way that God loves us.

Yet God spoke to me in that moment and very clearly said that what I was drowning in was simply a watered-down, infinitesimal, fraction of the Love He has for us.

Something about that night completely changed the way I looked at God, the way I looked at the people around me, and the way I looked at myself. It marked the beginning of a new kind of relationship with Him. No longer was it only about living according to His standards, it became about possessing and sharing with the world that life-changing love He'd shown me.

Recently I heard a worship pastor at my church say that transformation is the natural product of encountering God's presence. That when we come face to face with Him, there is nothing we can do but fall in love and want more of Him. I am fully convinced that that is what happened to me in Jamaica.

That night is something I remind myself of frequently, and since then I have had a handful of similar experiences during which He reminds me of how deeply He loves me. But I do go through seasons during which I seem to set aside or minimize the glory of this revelation. And this is what I was recently convicted of in my heart.

If I truly acknowledged the fact that He actually craves my attention, treasures my company, and seeks me out though I am so far from Him, would I look at my time with Him so casually?

Today I was reading Zechariah 8:2, where God says

"This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'I am very jealous for Zion;
I am burning with jealousy for her."

This jealousy was provoked by His people being so self-consumed. He says to them in Zechariah 7:5-6,

"When you fasted and mourned
in the fifth and seventh months for
the past seventy years, was it really
for me that you fasted?
And when you were eating and drinking
were you not just feasting for yourselves?"

Sometimes I wonder if He doesn't ask me the same sort of thing. A part of my subconcious seems to still view Him as the big guy in the sky ready to point out all of my shortcomings and failures, when really He is jealously longing after my attention and affection.

During this year's New Life Church easter production of The Thorn, I had my latest realization of His love. As always, it was incredible to be so vividly reminded of what He has done for me. Jesus really did walk this earth. He really did perform miracles. He really did have friends, he really slept, he really ate, he really talked. And he really was tortured and crucified, with a real whip, real thorns, real wood, and real nails.

I remember watching the scene after his flogging and before Golgotha with tear-filled eyes as Jesus, bloody and broken, carried the cross through the crowd, staggering under the weight, but always getting back up. Why? I thought. Why would He go through this for US? And in the quiet of my heart I heard Him whisper,

I still would have done this if YOU were the only one that needed redemption.

And that is what I felt like God wanted me to share with you this evening. That whether or not you've ever tangibly experienced it, His love for you is immeasurably vast. That He doesn't look at you as another face in the crowd, but that He knows you intimately and His breath is taken away by your gaze. That a wide grin comes to his face when He sees you. That His heart beats a little faster when you choose to spend time with Him. He doesn't ask you to measure up to His love before receiving it, He jealously waits for you to enter His presence long enough to experience it. And when you do, you won't leave the same.

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." ~ Song of Songs 8:6-7

Settling Priorities

Last month, my youth pastor David Perkins came and spoke to my internship, Burn. His talk was simply titled "Seven Ideas of Leadership," and during his time with us he laid out seven principles of leadership. Here they are:

#1 Serve with joy.
#2 Champion the activity of God.
#3 Cultivate good character.
#4 Readers are leaders.
#5 Use your time well.
#6 Fight for innocence.
#7 Know Jesus.

Today I want to share some of the stuff that Perkins said that really challenged me and has been on my mind a lot since then.

First, when he was talking about serving with joy, he told us to look for every opportunity to serve. This has come back to me over and over again. It's so counter-cultural, the idea of actually seeking out chances to be servants, rather than looking for opportunities for others to serve us. But as Jesus-followers we are meant to be people who joyfully lay down our agendas and our comforts to get under people and lift them up.

Another aspect of Perkins' talk was the idea of championing God's activity, specifically what he is doing in and through our church. This point didn't really hit home until recently, when some changes were announced to our youth group, _TAG. First, we are no longer going to be called _TAG, we will now be called _DSM (short for Desperation Student Ministries). Next, we will be splitting _DSM into two groups, one for high school students and one for junior high students (instead of having everyone all together). _TAG has been around for decades. And it has always been called _TAG. So when everyone heard about the name change, many students were pretty peeved, me being one of them. But before long I noticed God convicting my heart.

You are a leader, and you need to be a champion for what God is doing in this place, He said.

So, though some of the changes are still hard for me to understand, I realize that every one of them is coming about through lots of thought and prayer. God has great plans for our city, and I don't want to hinder them by arguing over minute details.

Perkins also made the point that readers are leaders. I've heard this said before and I've even said it before, but I was challenged all over again when Perkins voiced it that day. Over this forty day fast that I'm participating in, my eyes are being opened to how often we fill up our time and consciousness with media. Reading is so readily shoved to the wayside when music, facebook, texting, etc. are available. I want to be someone who is constantly challenging my brain and expanding my knowledge through reading.

Though the other parts of David's talk were awesome, there is only one more idea that I want to talk about today. The fourth quality of an effective leader that I am being specifically challenged in, is time management.

In Perkins' words, "Squandering your time is squandering your destiny." The time that we waste is time we could be spending with God or doing something else that holds eternal value. When a friend asked my accountability leader how best to fill her free time, she was told to think about who/where she wanted to be in ten years, and spend some of her time doing things that would propel her toward that goal.

In response to a challenge that David left us with, I recently created an Excel document and filled the first column with times of the day, starting with 12:00am and going half hour by half hour until I made it down to 11:59:pm. Then on the top row, I typed out Sunday through Saturday, and began filling in the columns beneath each day with what I want to do during that time. It truly is amazing how much wasted time we have when we actually sit down and write out how we spend our day. I spent a couple hours on the schedule, and now know how I am (planning on) spending every half hour of every week of my summer.

All of this is really just one more way I am trying to break out of my comfortable Christian life and challenge myself to do something harder. I've started to recognize times that I am offered a chance to serve, and am learning to accept them joyfully. I am realizing the necessity for me to champion what God is doing in _DSM, even it doesn't always make sense from my perspective. I am spending more time reading and less time finding other ways to fill my free time. And lastly, I am striving to spend my time intentionally.

This is going to be a good summer.

The Formula

Before reading what God has been putting on my heart, I want to challenge you to take a moment to write down your definition of a word. Your answer doesn't have to be anything profound, but try not to use a dictionary. I would also encourage you to write it down, simply because it may give added relevance to the rest of this post. Ready? Here's the question:

What is your definition of "religion?"

If you're like me, you are a bit overwhelmed when asked this. Perhaps you are sitting there thinking,

Isn't this something that theologians, philosophers, and historians have debated for centuries? What kind of question is that for someone like me?

Part of me has always figured that not knowing what "religion" really means is okay. After all, growing up surrounded by Christians, I have constantly been reminded that "Christianity isn't about religion, it's about relationship!" However lately I have wondered whether or not this is another Christian cop-out. Nearly everyone in today's culture looks at "religious people" negatively, and in my opinion it's because, too often, we as Christians aren't illustrating it's true meaning.

If we won't provide an clear depiction of what "religion" is, then someone else will.

I once heard - and fully believe - that when Judgement Day comes we are going to see that the Enemy's favorite way of ensnaring his victims was not by dragging them into some giant sin, but by lulling them into a life of (comfortable) apathy. Satan wants Christians and non-Christians alike to believe that religion is not only meaningless and fake, but corrupt. If we don't know what religion is supposed to look like and don't care, he wins.

Alright, so how do we fight against this lie that Satan is trying to spread? Should we go get a degree in theology so that we can discover and live the true formula for religion?

Only if you want to. Or you can simply pick up your Bible and find it.

Oh, I get it. You're going to give me the whole spiel about the Bible being God's Word and having everything I need for life and godliness. Got that one last Sunday, Soph.

Though I believe that the Word is God's primary way of communicating what authentic religion looks like, He makes it even simpler than that. James 1:27 says

"Religion that God our Father
accepts as pure and faultless is this:
to look after orphans and widows
in their distress and to keep oneself
from being polluted by the world."

There it is. The formula is right in front of our noses, clear as clear can be. So what the heck is all the confusion and arguing about? Everyone seems to have a different idea of what religion looks like, yet it's spelled out for us right there. When I Googled the phrase "What is Religion," 65,900,000 results appeared. Most definitions seem to focus on religion being "the strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny (wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)." I find it interesting that James 1:27 says nothing about belief or faith. Not that those are bad things, but I do think that there is a reason for this.

For the past week and a half, God has constantly cause me to return to this idea. Religion is not synonymous with faith, it's the evidence of it, He says to me. You're sick of people bashing "religious" people? Be a disciple who lives MY definition of true religion, not your culture's.

In Isaiah 58 God again outlines the kind of lifestyle He is looking for in His people.

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter -
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday."

If you need to re-read that, please do so. I have, over and over in the past week and a half, and something is awakening inside me. What am I wasting my life on? I look at the words in bold and think to myself, "Isn't that exactly what I long to see happen in my life?" Then I look at the words in italics and realize God has it all road-mapped out for me.

It's easy to read, but not so easy to live. I've been asking God to give me a better understanding of what that kind of lifestyle would actually look like in my everyday life. I wish I could tell you that I have it figured out, but I don't. I'm getting bits and pieces, but there's a lot I'm still wondering about.

One thing I know is this: The way of life that He is calling us to is not meant to be a temporary "project" we take part in, but our lasting purpose.

When I stand before the throne of God, I want to be able to say that during my time on earth I stood against injustice, that I tangibly loved those who were in need, that I spent myself on behalf of the hungry. Will I have lived God's definition of true religion, or will I have been too caught up in conforming to what my culture defined it as?

"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this." ~ C.S. Lewis

Extraordinary in the Ordinary...

There are already a couple of things that God is doing in me as of starting this 40 day fast. But there is one in particular that I feel like sharing today.

Every so often, whether through television, radio, magazines, or simply walking through the hallways of my school, God drops a little "wake-up bomb" right in front of me. In these moments I am reminded that as I am out and about living my everyday life, there are people who are hurting and in desperate need of love and healing.

Before today, the most recent event was as I was watching a show called Addicted that follows drug and alcohol addicts getting help from an interventionist. Right before my eyes, the lives of a young couple were being destroyed by their use of drugs. My stomach was turning as I watched them injecting needle after needle of drugs into their system, crying each time as they did it. My eyes welled up as I realized their bondange and the broken existence they so vehemently hated, yet could not seem to escape.

The drug usage wasn't the part of the show that I found so disturbing, it was the fact that this was going on in two normal lives, one normal hotel room, one regular town.

"Who's to say this isn't happening nextdoor, down the street, in the life of one of my classmates?" I thought.

The reminder that there are hurting people all around me - even if they aren't dealing with addictions - hit me like a punch to the stomach. I laid in bed that night, embarassed by the oblivion I so contentedly abide in.

Today our church hosted day #2 of "Freely Give & Freely Receive," a time during which church members drop off anything from their homes that they haven't recently used or don't need, for people who do need it to take. They asked for volunteers to help out, so my best friend, brother and I went after church to be put to work.

Little did I know as I unloaded, sorted, and organized trashbag after trashbag of used clothing that I was about to have another "wake-up bomb" go off in my face. As I was putting some women's clothing in it's place, a woman walked up and began browsing the hangers. There was nothing that particularly stood out about her, she just looked like a frazzled mother toting around a newborn and toddler as she quietly scanned the rows of clothing for something that might fit.

She avoided eye contact as I passed behind her to put some clothes in boxes, and I sadly wondered if it was because she was embarassed. To confirm my suspicion, the little girl standing beside her mother boldly said, "Thank you for your help, but we don't need any help!" At first I thought she was speaking to me, and was searching for a response as I realized she was in fact speaking to another volunteer behind me who had been assigned to help the woman find anything she might need.

As the woman hurriedly bent over to shush her little girl, I felt a quiet voice speaking to me,

"You don't have to look any further than your own church parking lot to find people in desperate need of someone to simply love and care for them."

Immediately, my heart was convicted again of its self-centeredness. I get so caught up in asking God for opportunities to be His hands and feet that I overlook the people right under my nose who are longing for someone to come alongside and share their load. That woman walking into Wal-Mart beside me, the quiet girl walking past my house, the person sitting beside me at church.

Its as if we as Christians are looking at our world with binoculars, trying to spot someone in the far distance that might need us, and leaving the people standing right in front of us to remain out of focus.

Reading my chapter out of Matthew this evening, I saw a familiar verse,

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory,
and all the angels with him, he will sit
on his throne in heavenly glory.
All the nations will be gathered before him,
and he will separate the people one from another
as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.
He will put the sheep on his right
and the goats on his left.
Then the King will say to those on his right,
'Come, you who are blessed by my Father;
take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you
since the creation of the world.
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in,
I needed clothes and you clothed me,
I was sick and you looked after me,
I was in prison and you came to visit me.'"
~ Matthew 25:31-36

There is nothing glamorous about volunteering some time to unload trashbags and hang clothes on hangers, but then again there isn't anything glamorous about giving a stranger a drink. Sometimes I wonder if, when we get to heaven, we'll watch a replay of our lives. And how many times is Jesus going to point to that kid passing me in the hall and say, "That was me."

It's easy to ignore them as long as we're caught up in our busy schedules, but how easy will it be to try to explain "I was just really busy/tired/stressed that day," sitting with the King of Kings, my Savior? Recently I heard a chilling question:

"What have I done today that impacted eternity?"

It's a question I want to be able to ask myself every night before bed, and answer with joyful confidence. I don't want to pass by opportunities, I want to be a person whose eyes are opened on a spiritual level to what's going on in the people all around me.

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal."
~C.S. Lewis (The Weight of Glory)

40 Days of Consecration

Every summer, my church hosts the Desperation Conference. This year, my youth group _TAG is committing to 40 Days of Consecration prior to the first conference. These forty days will be made up of us voluntarily fasting something we value in order to 1) grow in intimacy with God and 2) prepare our hearts for a move of God.

I think it is interesting that while God is stirring in me this dissatisfaction with my comfortable Christian routine, my youth pastor is introducing this challenge to be people who fast. A couple days ago I sat down to write out some ideas on what to fast. As per my continuing frustration, I found myself going the "easy" route. Here's my first list:

I will be fasting: Excess.
1) TV = max of 1hr/wk
2) Movies = max of 1/wk
3) Facebook = max of 10min/day
4) Snacks = only healthy snacks
5) Music = no secular

Looking back at it, two words come to mind: TOO EASY. Sure, it's a little bit of a stretch, but definitely manageable. However at the time, I justified it by telling myself that I might have times where people were going to a movie and I wanted to be able to go. Or that I need to be able to get onto Facebook to check info/RSVPs regarding my graduation party in a couple weeks. When it comes right down to it, I was counting the cost and saying God wasn't worth that much sacrifice.

At _TAG last night, Perkins (our youth pastor) said something that struck me as being exactly what I'm being convicted of in my own life. Here's an excerpt from my notes,

"We're in a rhythm of life. We get used to what's going on around us. Fasting breaks that rhythm. This isn't a project, it should be something we choose because God is at work in us."

This immediately got me thinking. Isn't my methodical, easy-going rhythm what's frustrating me right now? Then why am I still trying to take the simple road, a road that requires little-to-no effort from me? Then Perkins challenged us with something more, reading us 2 Samuel 24:14-25. The story is about King David, who is distressed by a plague that the Lord has brought on Israel because of his sin. Seventy thousand of his people have died, and David is told to build altar to God on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite. We'll pick up in verse 19 (bold is added).

"So David went up, as the LORD had commanded through Gad.
When Araunah looked and saw the king and his men coming
toward him, he went out and bowed down before the king with
his face to the ground. Araunah said, 'Why has my lord the king
come to his servant?' 'To buy your threshing floor,' David
answered, 'so I can build an altar to the LORD, that the plague
on the people may be stopped. 'Araunah said to David, 'Let
my lord the king take whatever pleases him and offer it up.
Here are oxen for the burnt offering, and here are threshing
sledges and ox yokes for the wood. O king, Araunah gives
all this to the king.' Araunah also said to him, 'May the LORD
your God accept you.' But the king replied to Araunah,
'No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the LORD
my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.' So David bought
the threshing floor and the oxen and paid fifty shekels of silver
for them. David built an altar to the LORD there and sacrificed
burnt offerings and fellowship offerings. Then the LORD answered
prayer in behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped."

After reading this passage, I decided that I want a heart like David's. I don't want to take advantage of the easy solution when it costs me nothing! The very nature of a sacrifice to God is that you have to sacrifice something. So today I went into my GodTime asking God for the courage and conviction to fast something that will HURT.

I am currently reading in Jonah, and as I began reading my chapter for the day, I came across a passage that I had previously underlined. It says,

"Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the Lord."
~ Jonah 2:8-9

This will be my prayer over the next forty days as I let go of the worthless idols in my life. I refuse to be one of those who "forfeits the grace that could be theirs." I will be someone who sacrifices with joy. What I vow I will make good.

So here is my new and improved fasting list.

During the period of May 14, 2010 - June 23, 2010, I will fast:
1) All TV
2) All movies
3) All Facebook
4) All Twitter
5) All secular music
6) All unhealthy snacks
7) All candy
8) All soda

This will cost me. But I'm expectant of a move of God both in me, in _TAG, and consequently, the nation and world. Who knows what He'll do?

Comfortable

"Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried." ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

My life is comfortable. I have a great family - I know a lot of people say that, but I really do. My parents love each other, they love me, and they take care of our family. I have four younger brothers, and they are my best friends. We live in a beautiful home in downtown Colorado Springs, a city which recently came in third as one of the “Best Cities for Relocating Families.” I could go on and on, but the point is, I really can't complain about my life.

Lately God has been speaking a lot to me about my easy Christian lifestyle. I've found myself standing at the foot of a wall called Comfort. Beyond it lies a life of intensified holiness, but there is a cost: I'll have to give up the security that the wall provides me. But enough with the symbolism. In Matthew 16:24-26 Jesus says,

"If anyone would come after me,
he must deny himself
and take up his cross and follow me.
For whoever wants to save his life
will lose it, but whoever loses his life
for me will find it.
What good will it be for a man
if he gains the whole world,
yet forfeits his soul?
Or what can a man give
in exchange for his soul?"

Growing up in a Christian community, I've always known that Christianity is not meant to be easy. But this knowledge is only now beginning to penetrate my heart. I'm at this point in my life that I can no longer justify pacing back and forth behind this wall of comfort, I either need to set camp or climb over.

I'm not much of a risk-taker, but I want to scale this wall. Dissatisfaction is brimming up inside of me, and God is beginning to drop some ideas onto my heart of what it looks like to live in greater obedience to Him. We weren't designed to live in apathy, we aren't destined for living within the status quo. Jesus came that we may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).

I'm ready to delve into more of the life God has for me. What is there to lose?

So right here I am giving myself a challenge: to be aware of the moments in which God is offering me a chance to go deeper in Him. Recognize my fear of the unknown and uncomfortable, and count the cost. Forsake the ease of this current life for something so much greater. He is worthy.

"Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: 'To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" ~ Revelation 5:13

The beginning...

So here I am... sitting cross-legged on my bed as I try to come up with something worthwhile to say in my first blog post. Next to me sits a pile of schoolwork which I could be doing right now, but considering tomorrow I take my last final, there really isn't much motivation for me to do that right now. Though I've been taking nothing but college classes for two years now, tomorrow marks the official end of my (five year) high school career.

Finally.

I'm not even sure what my future plans are, but I guess that's part of why I started this blog. To help me process. So why call it Delve? Well, for one it sounded way cooler than it's synonyms (research, inquire, probe, examine, explore), but mainly because I think it says something about my nature. In my old favorite chapter of the Bible, Proverbs 8, Wisdom says,

"I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full."

My name is Sophia, which comes from the Greek word for "wisdom." I think God meant for this to be part of my identity - for me to be someone who delves into the depths His wisdom. Even as a kid, I remember reading this passage and sensing a longing being stirred up in me to pursue Wisdom.

So I suppose this blog is a place that I hope to share some of whatever it is I'm delving into. There's a lot that I think about, and sometimes it helps for me to get it down on paper... or keyboard. But should anyone read this, I hope it will challenge you to delve deeper, as well. Not just in the relationships around you, not just into a greater level of human understanding, but into the Man who possesses the greatest love.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." ~ John 15:13