For Freedom, Part Two

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."

~Galatians 5:1

I would like to share part of my testimony.

In the fall of 2008 I started my first semester of classes at the local community college. There's really nothing special about this fact except for the fact that I had never gone to a public school before. I'd been home schooled all my life, and was eager to see how I would do in this new setting. Classes began, and within a couple weeks I was happy to discover that they were all manageable, challenging enough to keep me occupied, but not overwhelmingly so.

And then something happened. I can't remember for sure, but I think it was a quick glance over the syllabus. All I know is something latched onto my stomach in that moment.

Something called Fear.

Don't worry about it, I thought. You'll be fine. Just a couple presentations, a midterm and final, and the rest is a piece of cake. No big deal.

I really can't describe it. It sounds so silly. But something about the fact that I didn't know what to expect terrified me. I started to have panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't breathe at times. The weight of it all made it hard for me to sleep. I felt robbed of all joy.

And all the time I was telling myself, This is stupid, Sophie. You need to stop. Why are you so afraid? This is irrational!

I begged God to come and take this fear from me. I would quote verses like 2 Timothy 1:7 that says,

"For God did not give us

a spirit of timidity,

but a spirit of power,

of love, and of self-discipline."

But nothing helped. No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, I couldn't even begin to get the chains to budge. I wondered if I would ever escape.

And then rescue came.

First, I heard the song Storm, by Lifehouse. I put all of the lyrics below, simply because there isn't just a portion of the song that really helped me. I needed all of it.

"How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form?

The water's getting harder to tread,

With these waves crashing over my head.

"If I could just see You,

Everything would be alright.

If I could see You,

This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,

And you will catch me if I fall.

And I will get lost into Your eyes,

And everything will be alright.

"I know You didn't bring me out here to drown,

So why am I ten feet under and upside down?

Barely surviving has become my purpose,

Cause I'm so used to living under the surface.

"If I could just see You,

everything would be alright.

If I could see You,

This darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,

And you will catch me if I fall.

And I will get lost into Your eyes,

And everything will be alright."

I love that. You didn't bring me out here to drown. I found such comfort in those words. I still struggled, but with a new understanding. I was in the middle of a storm. And no storm in history, no matter its magnitude, has lasted indefinitely.

Then I read the story of Elijah. To this day, I remember the exact chapter that brought me out of the greatest storm I had ever weathered in my life - 1 Kings 19.

These next portions are taken from my journal at the time:

"1 Kings 19:2-9. Elijah Flees To Horeb. Jezebel, angry at the death of her prophets of Baal and Asherah, threatens to kill Elijah. Verse 3: 'He was afraid and ran for his life.' The man who one chapter before, called on the name of God and rained fire down on his offering, who caused the people of Israel to see He was turning their hearts back to Him, and who called heavy rain on a land that had been dry for years, is filled with fear and runs for his life! How can this happen?

"We are told in Romans 8:15 that we are no longer slaves to fear, but sons of God. But Elijah runs in fear. When he stops, he sits and prays that he might die! What happened to the mighty man of God who we just saw? A chapter ago, he was taunting the prophets and calling on the name of the Lord in power! Now, he has had enough (v. 4).

"1 Kings 19:9-13. The Lord Appears To Elijah. The Lord asks Elijah what he is doing at Horeb, the mountain of God. Elijah basically explains that he is hiding from Ahab and Jezebel because they're out to kill him. (V. 11) The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Why did God want Elijah to experience this? Notice Elijah still seems to be operating in fear.

"So God tells Him to go out to experience His presence. First comes a great wind, 'but the Lord was not in the wind.' Next came an earthquake, 'but the Lord was not in the earthquake.' After that came a fire, 'but the Lord was not in the fire.' Last came a gentle whisper. Elijah then goes outside to meet with the Lord. Earth, Wind, and Fire, but God speaks in a gentle whisper. He didn't use the loud, seemingly obvious ways to attract Elijah's attention. Instead, in the midst of his fear, God used a whisper. Living with fear or doubting God is not about whether or not He's speaking, it's about whether we're listening. We want God to show up in a loud, stunning way so that we can easily know He's here, but He wants us to need to look for Him."

That's where I got it. As I realized that I was thrashing about in the waves, desperately waiting for a giant encounter with the power of God that would miraculously pull me out of the water and onto dry ground. I wanted an "Earth, Wind, or Fire" kind of experience. Waiting for a gentle whisper was going to be much more difficult. It would require me to be still. To listen. To acknowledge my need. To surrender my fear.

It took patience, but I began to rest in the fact that He was right there whispering words of love and comfort whether or not I heard Him yet. And as I did that, I found peace.

I realized I wasn't alone in the storm.

I discovered freedom.

And since that time I have not experienced a single panic attack. I no longer live in fear. I've even had moments where I've been surprised at myself, and thought, "Wow, that would have really messed with me before!" But by the power of God working in me, I have overcome.

So here's what I'm getting at.

If you're walking in complete freedom, good for you. But if you're like me, you know that there are areas of your heart and life that you're trying to hold on to. They may be crippling you, but they seem too raw and dirty to bring out into the open and deal with.

It was for freedom that Christ has set us free.

You have been set free.

Will you live that way?

It is a choice. If it weren't it wouldn't be stated the way it is. We can be set free and yet never experience freedom. No matter how big or small it seems, Christ isn't disappointed by whatever it is that is holding us captive. He came to our messy world so He could understand. What I believe He is brokenhearted over is our choice to live in bondage when He has already redeemed us.

He set us free.

For freedom.

As for me, I don't want to settle. I've experienced enough of the life He's offered me to know that it's better than the alternative.

I hope you live in that knowledge, too.

"So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through."

~John 8:36